By Jenny Halper in New York City

I saw Michael Vartan onscreen for the first time in “The Myth of Fingerprints,” a tiny indie with a big time cast (Roy Schneider, Blythe Danner, Julianne Moore, and Noah Wyle, just to name a few). In an impressive performance as Wyle’s brother, Vartan made a major impression on my 16-year-old self. When I spotted him on TV’s “Alias” six years later, I was hooked.

Chatting with press about his appealing turn in the Jane Fonda-Jennifer Lopez vehicle “Monster-in-Law” (Vartan plays Fonda’s son and the dreamboat object of Lopez’s affection), Vartan was unsurprisingly inundated with pointed Jennifer Garner-Ben Affleck questions. I probably cringed more than he did. Completely poised and endearingly self-deprecating, Vartan steered the conversation towards juicier details, including working with the hilarious Wanda Sykes and watching Jane Fonda slam Jennifer Lopez’s face into a cake.

Q: Were you there when Jane took on Jennifer?

MICHAEL: I was, I was, and god it was funny. I mean, honestly I knew that at some point Jennifer’s going to have cake on her face, but I really thought she’d do it once and then the stunt double…and there’s also a funny story about that scene which is a bitter one for me which is that throughout the movie you’ve noticed how incredibly dull and boring I am (laughs) in her fantasy, in my mother’s fantasy, this is my one opportunity to do something funny and different. The exception to the rule. And I thought, Robert, let me do a couple takes where I’m part of the fantasy and I’m going nuts. So there’s this one shot, apparently, cause I was out of my mind, I was throwing cake in the air, I started crying out of laughter and delirium, and apparently they tested that with a few people, and the audience was terrified, and didn’t understand, and they said we can’t use it because people don’t understand what you’re doing, they can’t wrap their minds around how this boring guy, all of a sudden, is a complete lunatic. And I say boring for my own self deprecating reasons. “Robert (Luketic, the director), that’s not what I meant.” But so hopefully that’ll make the DVD, and it better be funny because what if it’s not, what if I see the DVD and I’m like, “oh my god, that’s so embarrassing”?

Q: How did you get attached to this?

MICHAEL: Very luckily, I met Robert initially, read the script. I don’t usually like romantic comedies because you know what’s going to happen going in. Boy meets girl, something bad happens, they get back together. And this one had a lot more comedy than romance, and lets be honest, I knew I was going to get to work with Wanda Sykes, Jane Fonda, and Jennifer Lopez. And that’s the way I’ve always kind of been. Getting to work with the people- cause I’m not in the stage in my career where I can say “that material speaks to me.” I just realized someone’s going to read that, “that material speaks to me,” and I won’t be able to make that face, or that sound…(laughs). No, I really thought the script was funny, I had those three women in mind as I was reading it. Ultimately, my favorite characters are…I’d like to play something a lot darker, a lot more challenging, not that being in a romantic comedy doesn’t have it’s own challenges, but it’s different, and I’m sure you understand what I mean. Explore the darker psyche of the human being; we all have a dark side and boy is mine dark, so…but I wouldn’t be here talking to you if it hadn’t been for movies like “Never Been Kissed” and this, so, I’ve been fortunate enough to work. And working as an actor, I think, is always a privilege.

Q: You’re dark on “Alias”…

MICHAEL: You know, the thing about “Alias” that makes me laugh, is they told me last year, “you’re character’s going to be a lot darker this year.” And I went, “oh good, great.” But basically to them my character being darker is, a scene happens and there’s a little director’s note at the bottom that says, “Vaughn stares off with a brooding stare.” That’s not being darker. I want to have a complete psychological melt down and be an alcoholic or a drug addict or kill someone and go to jail…something that would be a very hard thing to experience rather than just, is my father alive or is he dead?

Q: Why don’t they write darker material?

MICHAEL: I think they have their hands tied, J.J. (Abrams) has a lot of say, and though the writers are the creative element behind the show, I think the network listens very much to the board, the website boards, what people say and what people want. And that’s the downside to network TV, you can’t say “fuck,” you can’t say things that are too dark or too out there, for now.

Q: Would you ever walk away from it?

MICHAEL: Walk away from “Alias”? No. If it goes twenty years I’ll still…it’s by far and above the greatest job on a human, personal, professional level I’ve ever had. I’ve met amazing people, I mean, that’s my family. We had a wrap party the other night, I almost cried. I can’t believe I’m not going to see these people for three months. From the crew, every cast member, there’s no hierarchy on our set. Any guest stars who comes on says, “I can’t believe you guys have so much fun,” crew members joking around with…it’s the most fantastic working environment in the world, the only thing that sucks about it is that most days are between fourteen and eighteen hours.

Q: You only work with Jennifers now…

MICHAEL: I do. (laughs). It’s in my contract, I only work with people named Jennifer.

Q: How will Jennifer (Garner)’s pregnancy effect “Alias”?

MICHAEL: I just heard about it in the other room. Because I hear it’s all alleged, and certainly no one writes anything alleged about her, so…

Q: Ben could direct you in a dark comedy…

MICHAEL: How bout a dark drama…

Q: “The Myth of Fingerprints” is one of my favorite movies. Would you want to do more independent films?

MICHAEL: Oh, thank you, I love that movie, it’s one of my favorites, too…I mean, at this point, I’m not really lucky enough to get to pick and choose what I do, so, you know…it’s not even about…I don’t really care about the career ladder, because I do believe that ultimately if I’m meant to be successful I will be, and if I’m not…I would much rather do an independent for very very little money, if it’s something I’m truly…if it’s something that a) will be hard and stretch me as an actor, but also just put a lot of myself into it. This movie, for instance. Great time, wonderful, but you show up, and there’s not much preparation needed. You just stand there and smile at someone. So…yeah, independent movies often are the best for that because they’re made by people who are passionate about a story, and don’t really care about box office. I’d love to be in that kind of movie with Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro, of course, but…

Q: You could do a “Layer Cake” type movie…have you seen “Layer Cake”?

MICHAEL: I have not.

Q: Is there a director you’d like to work with or approach?

MICHAEL: Yeah, Paul Thomas Anderson, I love him, I just think he is so talented. But I think actors are the ones I’m really impressed by. I never wanted to be an actor, I just fell into it…

Q: How?

MICHAEL: I moved to LA from France, I didn’t have, you know, really plans for my future. My mom’s an artist, I started painting for a while but when you’re nineteen you don’t want to be in a room for ten hours by yourself. She said, well, why don’t you join an acting class. I said, No, I’m unbearably shy, I don’t like talking to people. She said, “I’ll pay for it.” I went, “OK!” That’s how I got my first job. A friend of hers, who was directing this history of the black leather jacket. She said, “do you want to play this?” I went “no, no.” “You have no lines, six hundred dollars.” “Yes! I’ll do it!” And that’s literally how it started, I am a cash cow (laughs). But, um…

Q: How did you overcome your shyness?

MICHAEL: I still suffer from it. There’s nothing natural about opening yourself up in front of a camera and knowing there are a lot of people watching and trying to make it real. I missed the “Monster in Law” premiere because I was working, but the premieres of anything I’ve ever been in, it’s my least favorite thing in the world. It’s horrifying.

Q: Like this?

MICHAEL: No, this is fine. But (at the premiere) your face is as big as a city bus, and you’re sitting with 200 strangers, who are not only judging you, but wondering if they like the movie, I don’t like the way they said that, what’s the matter with his hair? It’s the most horrendous feeling in the world.

Q: What was it like to kiss Jennifer Lopez?

MICHAEL: I…this is what I’ve always said, and it’s true, and I’m not trying to dodge any questions. Hollywood kisses are the most unromantic sort of clinical things…you can’t imagine how…actually love scenes are even worse. Of course there’s a crew, ten inches from your face, and there’s a camera, and you’ve got the director going, “OK, can you move your shoulder, you have to hide her breast with your elbow.” There’s no romance involved, whether it’s the first day of shooting and you don’t know each other at all, or sometimes it’s even worse, you build a friendship over a couple of months and then it’s like, now we have to get in bed naked together? No. There’s nothing fun about it. Kissing is easy because, you know, it’s in the script. But as far as kissing people, I could think of much uglier ladies than Jennifer, so in that respect it was wonderful, but it’s not at all, you know, you don’t feel anything.

Q: Did she surprise you as an actress?

MICHAEL: Both Jane and Jennifer, I was surprised at what a wonderful sense of humor they had. I’d never met either of them, so I didn’t know…they’re out there.

Q: Did they ever gang up on you?

MICHAEL: No, and I’d like the thank them yet again, cause I was really nervous…pretty nervous. Because if these ladies didn’t get along…what a nightmare. And they could tell I was pretty nervous, and they really went out of their way to make me comfortable, and that is something that made my experience so much easier. But when Wanda Sykes came, that’s when the fun really started. I mean, let’s get real. That woman is out of her mind, one of the funniest people I have ever been around. The ability to say the craziest shit…fifteen takes, every time she’ll say something different, and every time…she’s just, some people are like that.

Q: And your dogs got along too?

MICHAEL: Yes, yes. Riley and Millie were quite the stampede.

Q: Did Wanda’s dog beat up on your dog?

MICHAEL: Well, my dog has about sixty pounds on her dog. I have a Labrador, but yeah, sure, Riley beat my dog up. Whatever. (laughs)

Q: Are there roles you can’t play?

MICHAEL: Oh, yeah, many, thousands. The ones where they don’t pay you, the ones where you’re completely naked for no reason. The nude volleyball movie- not a good idea.

Q: You missed out on that one?

MICHAEL: Yeah. They said I was too pale and pasty. (laughs). No, I would say off the bat, ultimately it depends on the script and the director and what kind of movie it is. You know, I’m not a big fan of male frontal nudity, but in some instances I suppose it could be effective for the film, whether its for shock or realism. I only say that because you see guys naked a lot in movies, and go, oh, whatever, it’s not a big deal, but I don’t know where I’m going with this…

Q: You’ll dig yourself deeper into a hole.

MICHAEL: Exactly (laughs). I think I’d pretty much be open to anything, if I thought it was something that a) I could do and b) would be good. Because a lot of times you do movies, and everyone goes into them with the best intentions, and sometimes they turn out to be crap. A lot of movies that I’ve done have been that, unfortunately, and it’s disheartening because everyone wanted to make a good one, but, you know what, you missed out, so.

Q: Do you have a worst date story?

MICHAEL: Oh. God. I don’t even know if I can talk about this one.

Q: We want to hear it.

MICHAEL: I’m just trying to think. I’m thirty six years old…

Q: Twenty six?

MICHAEL: Thirty six. No. Thank you. But you did say, “WHAT?” (laughs). You didn’t say twenty six, you said forty six, that’s more like it…it’s disgusting. It’s something that happened to me…it has nothing to do with the date itself, it’s what happened after the date…well, someone, not I, was very drunk, and someone, not I, was the recipient of something as a result of…and it was clearly… “I’m not calling you back.”

Q: Have you ever had any ‘meeting the parents’ horror stories?

MICHAEL: You know, I’ve had very few serious girlfriends in my life, I’m very picky that way, and I’ve been lucky, all of my girlfriend’s parents have been wonderful. Nothing like this one here. Yeah, so…

Q: Are you dating someone now?

MICHAEL: No.

Q: What’s it like to work with Robin Williams? We were just talking about what it’s like to interview him- can he hold himself back, at all?

MICHAEL: No. And I’m convinced he has two different brains. So when one of them gets tired, the other one kicks in. And that movie (“One Hour Photo”), for instance, was a little bit darker in the tone, and I was amazed at how, at the turn of a dime, he could go from the Robin Williams we all know and see on talk shows, to Si Parrish, this completely neurotic, lost, dark human being. I’m not kidding, it literally happened (snaps) like that. He’s be like “yaaaah!” and then… I guess that’s why he has two Oscars and I don’t (laughs). It’s just, you know, some people are so fucking amazingly talented, and I’ve been lucky enough to work with some of them, and that’s one of the things that I enjoy the most about this business. I still can never believe when I get a job. And I’m not saying that to be cute, or self-deprecating, it’s truly…this job…I can’t imagine how many people wanted to be in this movie. And somehow I ended up there, and it’s just mind boggling, and it’s such an honor, and I don’t know how long it will last.

Q: Did you audition for this film?

MICHAEL: I didn’t. I met with Robert, he liked me, we got along very well in our first meeting, and then I met Jennifer, because she had cast approval, which is completely understandable, if you’re making a romantic comedy with someone, it’s best if you don’t hate them. We got along great, and I got the call, “you’re in.” I mean, it’s not like they needed a third star.

Q: What happens if you ended of doing some bigger or action films, and end up getting that kind of fame like a Jennifer Lopez? Did you ask her how she deals with it?

MICHAEL: No, I actually learned by watching her- with the paparazzi constantly following her – it’s not fun, and unfortunately it comes with the territory. When you’re that successful, the spoils and the riches come your way, but there’s a flip side like with anything. Right now, I love the place that I find myself in because no one bothers me – no one knows who I am. Occasionally I get someone that says “Hey, great show!” and I can still work, and I’m still at a place where I can work on a consistent level. And, it’s wonderful, I get to do what I want to do and I still can keep a semblance of privacy.

Q: And if you didn’t have that?

MICHAEL: If that ever went away…I mean I just think you…I saw it the first time with Jennifer on “Alias.” Overnight, she went from being an actress who worked before, she’s been in some movies, but she went from being a fairly unknown actress to this superstar and that was incredible to watch how she dealt with it. And, how well she, ok…the adaptability – there’s something interesting that happens to the human spirit when, I think, you don’t have a choice. You either have to leave the country and stop the business, or you just have or deal with it. When you are forced to do something, you find ways to deal with it. I don’t think about that ever because, I just don’t think about it. I don’t know if it’s because I just feel so lucky to work every time I get a job. But, to humor you, if I did ever become really famous, I think I would just have to…I don’t know…I think it would have to be hard if I had a family and I had kids. I don’t care about anything that’s written about me, or anything written about any single actors, but when I see things written about their family or children, I think that’s crossing the line. As a huge celebrity, people feel like they have a right to know a little bit more, and I feel they don’t. Your job as an actor is to be friendly and to do your job – it doesn’t mean that people need to know that you’re having problems with someone or your children. That would be tough. Especially since, I don’t know if you guys agree, but it feels like in the past ten to fifteen years that the line has been pushing further and further. I couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with whom, but leave the real private things that can be real hurtful, like children out of it. If I ever became super famous, I would be ferociously protective of my privacy when it comes to those kind of things. If I was single and they wrote “he’s gay and he likes to bathe in purple ice cream” that’s ok, write it, I don’t care.

Q: Have you thought about starting a family?

MICHAEL: I’d rather find a girlfriend first. It helps. Yeah! It’s not something I think of, I’ve never thought of a family, per se, but if you meet someone, and maybe you can see your family with her, then maybe that would happen. But, I’m very happy being single. There’s a lot of travel involved in this business and a lot of long hours. My dog gives me enough grief about being gone as it is. Hopefully, one day I will meet the right person and I will have a family, and this part of my life will be over and I will try to enjoy it while I can.

Q: How do you avoid not being in a relationship since you do have some recognition and notoriety?

MICHAEL: I think at the end of the day, every human being is the same in the sense that when you meet someone and it feel right – then it’s right. I think that in a place like Los Angeles, there are a lot of people - male and female – that are looking to get ahead, but I’m a decent judge of character- I come from a really small town - Normandy – 300 people. It’s just a different upbringing, and it instilled in me and I think I can recognize when someone is just a good person. I’m not looking for the perfect person because that doesn’t exist.

Q: What are you looking for?

MICHAEL: Wow, I’m going to real original here and say things like humor, intelligence, inner beauty, and – outer beauty – that never hurts. People say “looks don’t matter” but I am like “what are you talking about?” I tell that to my friends “When was the last time you went in to a supermarket and went up the ugliest girl you could find and asked her out on a date?” I believe that looks are the initial attraction between two people and that chemical unexplainable bond is either there or its not, and then, of course, as you get to know the person, you fall in love with their inner beauty or you don’t. I’m not looking for it, but if it comes knocking – I’m open to it. I’m not avoiding it.

Q: Did you bond with Jane with her playing you mother and all?

MICHAEL: She is so facile. There were many incidences on the set, where I though this was a tough scene just because her character has to be so over the top but so believable, and I thought “that’s why she’s won two Oscars” because she’s an amazing actress. We never actually talked about the relationship per se, but from the moment I met her I felt sort of, and it’s from her end clearly, because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but there was that bond of “Come here, I’ll show you what it’s all about.” Just getting to talk to her off camera, her life is such an amazing incredible journey. She has that sort of motherly, at least with me she did, it was amazing, but she really took me under her wind, especially when I was scared and trying not to vomit on people because I was so nervous. It was one of the things where if I just sit there and close my mouth and do what I’m told, everything will just fall into place because I was working with these amazing actresses.

Q: Would you go to Ben and Jen’s wedding?

MICHAEL: Sure. Absolutely, I mean if they invite me.

“Monster in Law” opened on May 13th.